Steve Jobs took to the stage in San Francisco today with the usual fanfare and amidst expectation that he was about to announce the latest in the constant stream of new Apple Products. Apple fanatics and journalists were eagerly anticipating a new range of iPods, or further advances to the iPhone.

“Look, my guys have been working really hard, and we think we might just have reached the end of the line” Jobs announced, adding “lets be honest with each other, it’s just a music player anyway”.

A hushed silence fell over the room and some people laughed suspecting it might be a joke. “It already holds thousands of songs, it’s the size of a playing card and responds to the lightest human touch – what more do you want? Nobody expects a new toaster or vacuum cleaner every six months, so give us a break.”

Jobs moved to a pedestal covered with a dust sheet which usually covers the latest product launch, and the crowd began to shift forwards expectantly. He pulled it aside to reveal an empty box with an Apple logo stamped on the front. “This is the iQuit” he announced.

The hall fell silent as Jobs continued “every few months you all turn up thinking I’ll have the goodies, well I’m sorry to tell you that this time I don’t – there’s nothing in Santa’s sack, the cupboard is bare”. Jobs then jumped from the stage pushing his way through assembled crowd. Ripping off his microphone he shouted ‘Go on, fuck off the lot of you, go and do something useful”.