A damming report from an independent agency setup to monitor charity collection in Britains cities has revealed that the stress caused by the armies of charity workers now exceeds that of the illness or social oppression that they are raising funds for.

The 430 page report detailed the guerilla tactics used to ambush credit card details of law-abiding citizens and highlighted the main 3 strains of operative threatening the publics health:

- Everyones mate; "Hey my man, shake my hand" This type plays on the publics own self-awareness to dupe the target into touching the charity worker, once contact has been made resistance is futile, the obligation to hand-over your hard earned money to your new ethically conscious friend is far too much even for socially aware healthy people.

- Capitalist reject; targeting office workers, this strain works by playing on the left-wing conscience inherent in most humans, the 40% tax payer that has joined the Free-Tibet FaceBook group and once gave the Tsunami fund a fiver.

- Pretty girl; The most disgusting tactic witnessed was the use of attractive students, commonly with dreadlocks and often barefoot. Most men over 25 are so overwhelmed with the fantasy that she is only approaching them because she finds them more attractive than the commission she'll get when they inevitably give her their sort code. However, the illusion is shattered by the report that reveal many of these girls drink WKD at the weekend and buy clothes from TopShop with their bonuses from frequently smashed monthly targets.

"25 years after 'Working With Fire and Steel' and we finally make it!" said the scally lead singer.

Chancellor Darling reassured voters in a high profile speech in a Motorway Service Station in Oldham yesterday by saying that he would "crack down" on the perception that everything was increasingly being taxed in the UK. "If need be these people would have their tax credits suspended", he added. Returning from an unscheduled comfort break at the Bide-a-wee Services, he denied rumours that his new "Keep business in Britain" thinktank was considering a new "oxygen" tax to hit manufacturing and leave those nice City chaps alone. He assured the crowd of six that they should watch his lips, there would be "no new taxes".

A prominent backbencher who happened to be passing, remarked that in any case they were unnecessary as they had passed a series of "delayed reaction" taxes last year which would see the party through to the next leadership election in June.

Alastair Darling is a national theatre player (The Woodentops).

Supermarket giant Tesco has launched a new range of self-service tills to annoy its customers. At present the tills are equiped with standard mildly annoying phrases such as "Unexpected item on belt", "Approval needed", "Insert or swipe your clubcard" etc.

Noticing that customers were not as exasperated as expected, Tesco boss Sir Terry Leahy, announced that all tills will; now be equiped with german accents and will issue statements such as "Vill you insert your clubcoward or ve vill be visiting your family", "Actung! Actung! Alcohol abuser", "Flavoured condoms! Dive Dive Dive", and "Not enough fruit and veg you fat overveight kraut hater".

Leahy explained that initially Tesco was thinking about voices based on Stephen Hawking's electronic voiceboxbut was unable to establish how many "Inter-planetary vortexes" would be sold on an average day..

Secretary of State for Health, Alan Johnson, today announced government plans to add fluoride to a range of alcoholic drinks including Bacardi Breezers and Smirnoff Ice.

"We tried adding it to the water," said Mr Johnson in a press conference earlier today. "But it turns for that no-one under the age of 23 is drinking it."

"Our nation's youth have a serious oral health problem," he continued (to giggles from the gathered media). "But this initiative isn't just for them - it's also benefitting the dentists who have turned to drink after we couldn't afford to pay them." At this point there was a break in the conference while the minister took a swig from a WKD Blue and lurched sideways off the podium.

This wouldn't be the first time the government have considered measures such as these. In 2004, a parliamentary committee was set up to explore the benefits of adding cholesterol tablets to pies in Glasgow; while in 2006, shipments of cocaine had a decongestant added to aid cold symptoms in city bankers.

The move has already provoked anger from the manufacturers of the drinks. "I'm sick and tired of the government telling us what to do with our products," says the Managing Director of a major UK supplier, "First we're told not to market our products to children, now they're asking us to get as much to them as possible. I'd be more worried, but we've just scored a tie-in with the next Pixar film".

When asked whether this was another sign of the government instigating a 'nanny state', Johnson replied "Look, I bloody love you, mate," adding, "Seriously...you're my bestest..." before trailing off into a mixture of confused metaphors and angry sobbing.

In a bid to curb animal cruelty the RSPCA have set up a new website to “name and shame” offenders. www.worstpetownerever.org went on line last night and details many of the cases the Society have dealt with in it’s 150 year history.

A case from the 1950’s involved an Eileen Hubbard who, despite being a devoted mother to 14 children, tormented her pet Daschund, Susan, for over 7 years. Reports revealed how she would go to her cupboard while the dog was watching, shake her head and pretend that there was no food. In reality, she had shelves of pedigree chum which she used to feed to her children and gorge on while the dog was out for a walk.

A farm was closed down by the Society in the 60’s after staff uncovered five counts of pig abuse. “They were being sent all around the town” said an RSPCA Inspector, “the market and a resident’s house received a porcine visit”. The report goes on to detail another pig being force fed cow meat with another looking hungrily on. The 5th case which is of an intestinal nature has been sealed by the Society and will not be released until 2063.

A long talked about alleged case involving a lead of fishing wire in the mouth of a lamb by a little girl have so far not come to light.

David Williams

The village of Liddington-under-Lyme is still reeling after gruesome discoveries at the dwelling of one of their most prominent citizens.

Police have cordoned off the home of Mary Mary Quite Contrary after a tip-off from a neighbour. Eileen Perkins was taking afternoon tea with Miss Contrary when she casually asked her how her garden grew. She was left horrified by the response and immediately alerted the authorities.

Teams of Forensic, Antique and Seaside experts soon uncovered early examples of silver bells and cockleshells, but it was the lines of pretty maids all in a row that have sickened police and residents alike.

“She was always such a nice lady” said one local, “always eager to ‘elp at the village fetes, I just don’t believe it”. Another was quoted as saying “We’re really going to miss her jam this year”.

Mary Mary was at first willing to give a full statement to waiting journalists but changed her mind at the last minute.

David Williams

Sunshine and Moonlight likely to face trial. Jackson Five implicated in elaborate cover-up...

More soon

The latest Public Service sector strike action over pay and conditions came from the most unlikely groups of workers, NHS cardboard cut-out Nurses. These Nurses were introduced to remind visitors to wards to wash their hands before and after they leave, with an automated recorded message as they walked passed.

However, due to human staff shortages, the Nurses have been given extra patient responsibilities, such as giving patients’ bed baths and taking temperatures, by NHS bosses. One male patient said "the Nurses are doing the best they can in the given circumstances, but when they try to give me a bed bath they just go soggy. Besides, they're not the best conversationalists in the world "When I say 'Good morning Nurse' they just say 'Please remember to wash your hands'”.

Besides extra patient responsibilities the Nurses are reporting more attacks by drunken patients split evenly between those annoyed hearing "please wash your hands" messages every time walk past, and horny male patients who are trying to get off with the nurse who wears a sexy uniform. A Doctor who admitted to having a 3 month affair with a Cardboard Nurse said "my girlfriend has forgiven me. The nurse and I continue to work professionally. Besides I couldn't help myself, have you seen the uniform on that Nurse - cor blimey, ding dong!"

Outside Hospital gates up and down the country the Cardboard Nurses have set up picket lines without a burning fire to keep warm. "Well it's a Health and Safety matter, besides its summer we don't need the fire', before adding "Please remember to wash your hands".

A spokesperson for the Cardboard Nurses Union said "If the Government thinks that we'll accept the 1.5% over 3 years, is unacceptable." Health Secretary, Alan Johnson MP, said "I'd like to reassure the public that their safety is paramount and that there will be no shortage of Nurses during the strike. We already have initiated a contingency plan to recruit a number of cardboard nurses from the Philippines."

Other cardboard cut-outs are showing solidarity with the cardboard Nurses, a Police cardboard cut-out said "Unfortunately, we're not legally able to strike but we can work to rule."

The cut-out Nurses desperately need their working conditions and pay to improve as the Medical world is high pressure and fast moving. Some cut-out nurses who are unable to cope are taking drugs or try to get attention by cutting themselves.

if they don't start being nice.

International Rescue, commonly known as Thunderbirds, has announced that they are limiting their activities due to soaring fuel costs. "Given fuel prices are hitting $120 per barrel, and that our work is on a voluntary basis, we are having to limit rescue missions by only sending one Thunderbird craft," International Rescue said in a statement.

International Rescue has worldwide fame for helping people out of situations which they, more often than not, have been stupid enough to put themselves into in the first place. Their two most famous craft, Thunderbirds 1 and 2, are used in most rescue missions and come directly from International Rescue's headquarters, of which the location is unknown.

Thunderbirds analyst Jeff Thomas said, "The announcement suggests that International Rescue are embarking on a cost-cutting exercise. I would expect that aircraft fuel efficiency will be first on the agenda."

British Prime Minister, Gordon Brown spoke of his support for the Thunderbirds, "I have shown Britain that I can manage floods and terrorist attacks. I would urge International Rescue to contact us so we can help support them, and I can take the credit." Some columnists have even suggested that the PM might make fuel duty exemption for the organisation.

However, Greenpeace campaigners hit back at International Rescue for not taking more care over their carbon emissions, "Sending two aircraft for most missions is totally unnecessary, as is constantly visiting the space station. It's about time they thought about not only saving people but also the planet."

Man stunned to find Janet Street-Porter on doorstep

Prime Minister Gordon Brown has today admitted to an amazing list of mistakes. Aides say that this shows contrition after the local election results, and shows that Gordon Brown is a fully paid-up member of the human race and is, therefore, capable of feeling our pain.

The list of blunders includes:

• texting over 3,042 entries to an ITV phone-in, with the misguided aim of securing an award for Ant and Dec

• failing to use 242 clubcard points before they expired, in June 2001

• economising on the redecoration of Number 10 by re-using old wallpaper

• not noticing the rising cost of food and fuel, or public anger at tax rises

• suing The Daily Blurt over its now-infamous “Brown Trousers” headline

• ignoring all TV and radio interview questions and just reading out prepared statements like a robot

• pursuing Edwina Curry to join a ‘Government of All The Talents’

Gordon Brown believes that these disclosures will ‘clear the slate’ and that his victory at the next General Election is now assured.

Cocaine contaminated eggs from a flock of free range Columbian Black Tail Hens have been recalled by Waitrose Limited. The farm who supplied the suspect batch of eggs believe the hens were awoken in the middle of the night by a free rave taking place in a neighbouring field. The hens got off their perches and decided to join the party – fox or no fox. Apparently they then pecked their way through copious amounts of illegal mind-altering substances without a thought on the effect to the poor old human consumers who would be chomping on their eggs a few days later.

When interviewed. A spokes chicken for the flock said “Admittedly we are free to roam in this country but we really miss the home of our ancestors. A lot of the drugs we encountered at the rave were crap and cut with substances we didn’t recognise but we soon sorted the wheat from the chaff and found the genuine cocaine. After the weed, we got the munchies and proceeded to peck away to our hearts content on the white lines laid before us. We’re now recuperating because we laid a hell of a lot of eggs over the following few daze!”

It will cost an American - in America - just $279 (c. GBP143) to rent a dog for four days per month via Flex Petz USA. If you are British - in Britain - renting a dog for four days per month via Flex Petz UK based office will cost you GBP279 (c. $541). Perhaps the UK fees include return transatlantic air fares.

The American rent-a-dog company, Flex Petz, has decided to close its UK rent-a-moggy operation due to cats refusing to comply with their hire contracts (i.e. when the feline rental day arrived the cats disappeared and refused to come when called). All prepaid monthly membership fees will be refunded to those who were dumb enough to think that anyone could rent-a-cat.

Energy firm npower has sacked six salesmen as it undergoes a regulator probe for mis-spelling, the company said.

'I can take them within striking distance of the middle of the lower divisions.'

"This is an outrageous accusation" said a spokesman, "We used telephones, not guns!"

Police accused of being over-zealous,and warned that anyone wearing a Bomber Jacket should not automatically be arrested as a suspected terrorist.

Claims that the Opposition has won the Election in Zimbabwe have been discounted by Robert Mugabe

“The Spivs are the forgotten heroes of the Second World War”, says Ian Calvin-Knox MP, whose Grandfather was a Spiv. “They were not allowed to participate in any of the parades after the war and got no medals”.

But today the government announced, after a long campaign by Mr Calvin-Knox MP, that The Spivs, the petty criminals who dodged the front line and selfishly lined their own pockets, while other young men sacrificed their lives, are to receive formal recognition for their part in the war effort.

In a shock move Virgin TV has announced that it has been secretly filming a rival to Sky's relaunced "Gladiators" format. A Virgin spokesperson said "It is true that we are launching a programme in a similar format to Sky's, but there will be a crucial difference - our competitors will all be overweight, unfit and with questionable personal hygiene".

The new show will feature the "Flabiators" resident team including:

"The Blob" 19 Stone, of almost pure lard, and 5 foot 3 inches tall, able to reach speeds of up to almost 3 miles an hour. Special move - a quick five minute sit down.

"The Gut" 22 Stone, concentrated in an enormous beer belly, dodgy knees. Special move, able to produce obnoxious farts, capable of downing an ox at 50 paces.

"Gert Big Lump of a Lass" She's 5 foot 6 inches tall, ways 28 stone 11 pounds and has a real attitude problem. Special move, blocking doors by wedging in them.

The show will include rounds such as:

The belly bump - contestants will rush towards each other at as high a speed as they can manage, with bare bellies - last one standinh on impact is the winner.

Who ate all the pies - contestants fight over a table full of mince pies, then the judges have to guess who ate most of them.

Builder's Crack - who can produce the longest Builder's Crack without their trousers dropping around their ankles on a short run to the bar.

The Virgin Spokesperson concluded that "we strongly feel that the people involvedare more reflective of our demographic. And Gladiators demographic come to think of it".

after "Great tits..." story makes it to top of 'Most Read' chart.

Speaking in a press conference held in the lowest circle of Hell, Adolf Hitler today denied any links to Josef Fritzl, and challenged Fritzl's claims that being in the Hitler Jugend drove him to keep his dauhter in the basement and father a series of children upon her.

"Ja, sure, we gassed a few million folks for being Jewish, or gay, or whatever, but DUDE! Ze FUCK!" the former Reichchancellor said, shaking his head.

"I mean, she's your daughter, guy, zat's FUCKED," he continued.

"Listen," he added, "Not everyone who was in the Jugend ended up fucked up, right? I mean, just because one guy systematically abuses people in his care and conceals it from the world for decades, doesn't mean all ex-jugend would make a habit of it, right?"

A worried Goebbels hurriedly pulled Hitler aside for a moment, before allowing him to return to the microphones.

"Fuck, yeah, alright, AND THE POPE. Jesus, you get TWO BAD APPLES, suddenly, you're ADOLF FUCKING HITLER".

A sobbing Hitler was led away to replace his testicles in the river of lava.

Robbie Williams to present the Award.

... as New Libdems, or maybe Liberal SDP Alliance, or the Liberals perhaps, or Whigs is a good name...

Nominations are being sought for the new Celebrity Chef Shadow Cabinet as they are announced as the official party of opposition following Gordon Ramsey, Jamie Oliver and co's confirmation that they have opinions about just about everything...

... but still more popular than the Tories.

We can exclusively reveal that Kirsty MacColl's 1981 hit "There's A Guy Works Down the Chip Shop Swears He's Elvis" was written following a London encounter with Elvis Presley. The late Ms MacColl discovered Presley working behind the counter of a suburban fish and chip shop some two years after the King's apparent death.

Following up a tip-off from a reader, we tracked the King down to a two-bedroom maisonnette in a Croydon sidestreet.

Elvis was reluctant to be interviewed, but did spend a couple of minutes talking to our reporter. He confirmed that he had been in England since September 1977 and had worked at the Gracelands Fryer until his recent retirement. Now 73, Elvis barely resembled the global superstar as he opened the door in an old cardigan and slippers.

"Well, I'm kinda shook up that you've found me" he said, "I've heard the fuss about sightings of me but didn't think that anyone would actually believe them", he said.

"It's hard to keep a low profile when you've been this famous, but they've all rallied round me at Gracelands".

Despite recent stories alleging a meeting with Tommy Steele in London in 1958, we were able to confirm a rather different version of events:

"I did meet Tommy Steele in London, but it was '76. I had always wanted to try some genuine English fish and chips; Tommy found the Gracelands Flyer in the phone book for me. We popped in to give it a try and the batter was so good, it turned out to be a life-changing experience for me", said Elvis.

"Tommy and I came up with a plot to fake my 'death', so that I could live my dream. We thought it had worked until now. Kirsty MacColl was the only other person to find out. The Gracelands Fryer wasn't that popular, to be honest".

No-one from the Gracelands Fryer was available for comment, but a sign outside the premises did warn that no more than two school children were allowed in at once.

Studs Bennett, born the Tommy James Quartet, would have liked to have died as he had lived – in a mild state of bewilderment. As it was he slipped away quietly at home, with his wife Ella, two children and the Orange County Fire Department at his bedside.

Bennett rose to prominence at Le Club Biscuit Bourbon in San Francisco with his mean, dispirited rendition of Tie Me Kangaroo Down Sport, still considered by jazz buffs to be amongst the most mournful renditions of life in the Australian outback. Fat Willy Boston guested on alto didgeridoo.

After Studs’ father, the Sam Walker Trio, died when his boat accidentally struck a crate of iceberg lettuce, Studs moved out west to concentrate really really hard. He chose the tiny Pacific island of Guadalcanal and embarked upon what many would later say was the golden age of his musical tenancy, cutting the famous recording of the old Cliff Lazarenko/Jocky Wilson classic “Double Top”. Then the war began.

Studs was interned on Midway island and whilst under lock (and sometimes key when he’d been extra naughty) he cut three sensational albums, “We’re Talking Tora Tora Tora!”, “Studs Bennett Live in a Small Tin Box” and finally his ghostly masterpiece “Banzai Banjo’s!” For the latter he won the coveted Imprisoned Jazz Musician of the Year Award.

After the war he concentrated his efforts on assembling an all-star sextet with Bunny Watson on slide trombone and Sonny Silver on a normal one. Herb Stuffing dueted on clarinet.

In 1947 Bennett played a White House Inaugural Gala for John F. Kennedy, even though the fledgling Kennedy was 16 and had never been to the White House. It aroused so much controversy Joseph Kennedy was minded to go to the gala and take his son home. Studs recalls Joseph’s words to his wayward boy as the black stretch limo rolled down the White House drive, “Now you sit still on the back seat where I know you’ll be safe.”

Through the ‘50’s Bennett was, as ever, his old self, some even said maybe more so. Appearing in front of the House Un-American Activities Committee he took the third amendment, which it turned out, enshrined his right to rear livestock and grow root vegetables.

Before retiring in 1964 Studs came out of retirement, after that he realised a long held, deeply significant personal ambition – to go to the bathroom on his own. In retirement he finally found the time to play with his children – David, a 48 year old Chief Economist with the Bank of Massachusetts, and Stella, wife to the Cultural Attaché for Nyasaland.

In 1977 Studs began to complain of crippling pains in his feet. He didn’t stop complaining until New Years day 1993, breaking all previous records and in the process raising well over $112 for charity. On examination it transpired Studs had been wearing shoes four sizes too small since the Berlin Airlift of 1947 – though no one knows if these two events were connected.

Studs died peacefully in his sleep at 4 am on Monday May 5th 2008. His final wish was to be buried in a vegetable allotment next to his dogs Bertha and Trojan. The dogs struggled at first but eventually gave up the fight.

Studs Bennett will perhaps be best remembered by those who knew him best.

BRITISH scientists have proved once and for all that a poke in the eye with a sharp stick is better than a kick in the teeth, it has been revealed.

A team of experts at Oxford University spent four years on the study, which involved subjecting over 5,000 volunteers to pokes and kicks and measuring the results.

Dr Melvin Smith, who led the research, said he was 'surprised' by the results.

'There were variables - those people who were poked first thing in the morning, when the sticks were at their sharpest, for instance, tended to favour the kick in the teeth. Equally, those kicked in the teeth at the end of the day, by which time the researchers were tired, fed up and wanted to go home, tended to get a more vigorous kick and, concomitantly, felt the poke was better.

'But overall, 62% of test subjects preferred the poke in the eye. In statistical terms that is actually quite significant.

'We controlled for error using a third technique, the smack in the face, and foud the poke in the eye consistently preferred.'

Dr Smith, whose team is now investigating whether a stitch in time really does save nine, agreed that his research had no practial applications.

'But it's sort of what we do,' he added.

In its continuing effort to reduce its carbon footprint, the US Army is investigating the possibility of running its nuclear arsenal on bio-fuel. The army has long been concerned about that the impact of its inter-continental weapons on the environment. George Bush in understood to have ordered a full review on whether the nuclear missiles can be switched to more eco-friendly fuel. Bush stated “we have to protect this planet for our children & their children, and this measure would assist in significantly lowering the emissions of thermo-nuclear devices. I want people to realize that we in the United States are serious about saving the planet”

This is one of a series of possible steps by the US Army. Rumoured to be in development is a Hybrid Abrahams tank, which runs on normal fuel in combat situations and battery power for patrols, a bio-degradable land-mind (already coloured sensitively to blend with the surrounding environment), and grenades which explode with minimal noise pollution.

It is in understood that the US hopes that not only can it lower its emissions, but that it can make the combat zone a nicer place to be. This way it can attract more recruits, keep the civilians on-side, and show the enemy in a bad light. “I don’t think Al Qaeda care much for the environment, do you?” said one high-ranking US official.

Weapons manufacturers are watching the situation closely, looking to see whether this century will usher in cleaner, safer killing machines. “If you look at where we’ve come from” said the one industry insider “with the original weapons of war being very green – the sword, the axe and that wooden horse – it’s ironic that we should be coming full circle.

The Army has adopted a new phrase to reflect its new green stance: “Only kill the enemy, don’t kill our future”

In a shock move yesterday the Roman Catholic Church announced that it is relocating the Vatican from Rome to Poland, and closing two thousand places of worship throughout Europe, with all local spiritual and pastoral requirements thenceforth being dealt with via a call centre in Lahore.

The news had initially been leaked from Channel 4 which will broadcast the search for a new home for the Vatican in a special series of “Location, Location, Location” to be shown at Christmas.

A spokesman for the Vatican said “The Holy Father understands that many people will be disappointed by this decision but if the Vicar of Christ and Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Catholic Church is to remain competitive, we have to respond positively to changing market conditions. The compelling business case for Rome as the corporate HQ of the Holy See of Apostolic Succession which existed in the first century AD no longer holds up. The locals have been very nice, letting us have our own stamps and railway, although they might have told us that it has to connect with Trenitalia after 200m - have you travelled on Italian railways recently? Our new location will give us accessibility to the skilled Polish workforce which, let's face it, is responsible for anything built in Rome after the Renaissance that still works. And we'll be close to the airport and its dedicated terminal for soon-to-be launched budget airline, QuoVadisAir.Com, which we think will help maximise the pilgrimage experience for our customers."

Channel 4 confirmed that the “Location, Location, Location” specials would be scheduled at Christmas as previously planned. It is understood that in the first programmes of the series three locations will be voted out of contention, London (“too expensive”), Rio (“too many temptations of the flesh”) and France (“had the popes in the 14th century and anyway they got Eurodisney”). Final programmes will see each of the remaining three locations profiled in depth.

A lot of interest was shown in the bid from China. Although some of the cardinals can be heard questioning the state persecution of organised religion, it was the air pollution that finally caused the Vatican to withdraw. The other finalist was Las Vegas, ultimately ruled out when the families couldn’t agree.

Asked what would happen to the buildings and treasures in the Vatican, Cardinal Bernini said: “We’ll relocate all the really interesting ones such as St Peters and the Sistine Chapel, but we’ll leave most of the contents of the Vatican museums behind. Frankly no-one ever looks at most of them and what’s the point of moving lots of pictures of popes no-one has ever heard of, or busts of what some artist thought a saint might have looked like who probably never existed in the first place?”

Reaction in Rome has been mixed. The League of Roman Pickpockets threatened an immediate work to rule, but a petition was said to be circulating amongst Italian school children, relieved to be excused school trips to look at the tombs of the Popes, calling for the immediate canonisation of Pope Benedict.

Neither the Archbishop of Canterbury nor the Patriarch of the Greek Orthodox Church were available for comment.

More soon

The French President was seen sweating heavily this afternoon after German officials propose another war;

"It has been quite a while since the last time we invaded France and as a nation, we feel it is important not to get out of practise." said a German representative.

Contractors overseeing the building of the Olympic stadium today had to request police assistance to remove from site, the entire production team and film crew of hit Channel 4 TV programme 'Grand Designs'. A spokesman for the Olympic Development Committee said "We had no choice. We've told them countless times to bugger off but they keep coming back".

Police arrived as presenter Kevin McCloud was enthusing over the plans, describing the construction as "one of the biggest and most ambitious house builds we've ever covered". Mr McCloud liked the "open play area in the middle which is bound to be a hit with the kids and great for barbeques" and praised the way in which "the outside space forms a natural extension to the interior". He was also impressed that the owner, a Mr Coe, had had the foresight to have a new high-speed railway line built from central London more or less to the front door.

But in closing, and with that characteristic raised eyebrow and downward glance, Mr McCloud added in hushed tones "I just hope they've got a good project manager in charge, and that there's enough flexibility in the budget for those all-important bathroom fittings".