With British athletes doing better at the Olympics than in the last 100 years the British press has begun its traditional campaign of asking ‘where did we go wrong?’ An article planned to appear exclusively in next Monday’s edition of the Sun, the Mail and the Express is expected to conclude that athletes are being given far too much help when a large proportion of the public is suffering, and that the cost of Olympic Gold for each hard-working, law-abiding taxpayer in the country has rocketed over the last four years and has become an embarrassment for the government.

L’Oreal has added a disclaimer to its famous advertising campaign slogan ‘You’re worth it’ after coming to the conclusion that one particular woman from Yorkshire definitely wasn’t.

Ms Shelia Crabb, 47, a divorced, unemployed and clinically obese former bar worker was said to be upset and offended that the world’s largest cosmetics company had singled her out as the only person on the planet who would be wasting their money paying that little bit extra for their beauty products.

In a groundbreaking scientific development – which runs contrary to current cosmological orthodoxy that states that in the wake of the big bang a central point in an infinitely expanding three dimensional universe cannot exist – physicists at Oxford University have broken ranks to confirm that there is in fact a centre of the universe and that it is Benjamin James Milton, an 18-month old toddler from Knutsford, Cheshire.