After a school career that saw him battling with dementors, basilisks and death-eaters, boy wizard Harry Potter has confessed that he is struggling to get to grips with his undergraduate degree in Business IT at Lampeter. ‘It’s just all a bit of an anti-climax,’ said Potter, who found a place at the Welsh university through clearing after UCAS refused to acknowledge his Defence Against Dark Arts O.W.L.
‘Take Freshers week. During my first week at Hogwarts, I flew on a broomstick, had a wizarding duel with Draco Malfoy and was put in Gryffindor by the Sorting Hat. This week, I’ve been pushed around pissed in a Morrisons trolley, got in a fight with some squaddies and some smart-arse stuck a traffic cone on my head.’
News In Brief
‘Calling in sick is something that most people find very stressful,’ said Education Secretary Ed Balls, ‘and millions of working days a year are lost due to stress. It’s a vicious circle.’
Richard Timney’s claim for six large boxes of tissues must be repaid after being deemed ‘excessive’, even when accepting that the films in question were ‘absolute belters’.
Gordon Brown today announced a ‘huge bargain bonanza’ as he put up for sale many of the UK’s assets in a bid to reduce the size of the national debt. Downing Street has insisted that ‘everything must go’, but that the crazy prices ‘must end soon’, and certainly by next May when the sales outlet is likely to be ‘under new management’.
Ex-President George W Bush was said to be cursing his luck at the weekend, after he discovered that Barack Obama, his successor in the presidency was named the winner of the Nobel Peace Prize, just a short time after he himself left the position. ‘I was in the job for eight years, and that entire time I never had any luck with any prizes and competitions. I didn’t win a darned thing – except that war in Iraq of course, ain’t that right Dick?’
Forty three-year-old Gary Winterson from Stockport yesterday reached the summit of the world’s highest mountain having decided some two months previously to shun all navigational aids and instead trust his instincts on the short drive from the family home to nearby theme park Alton Towers. Mr Winterson, who set off on 10 August and was joined on the expedition by his wife and two children, is believed to be the first to complete the notoriously difficult ascent in Bermuda shorts and a 1.8 litre family saloon.
Popular new comic David Mitchell must make a buttock clenchingly awful British film soon, says convention
Friends of comic David Mitchell, excited by his success and soaring popularity, are urging him to take make the next crucial step in the path of a UK comedy hero: to make a buttock clenchingly awful ‘heart warming British movie’.
Mitchell, who struggled for years before becoming an ‘overnight sensation’, has a rare quality among British comics, say comedy experts. Unlike his fellow satire game show panellists, he is successful, without being irritating or cocky. Mitchell’s intelligence, and modesty have endeared him to the British public. ‘Surely a Carry On version of ‘Three and Out’ must be next’ said one industry insider.
The world of conceptual art has been set chattering by news that Tracey Emin has agreed to be suspended in formaldehyde for a year on the advice of her accountants. The artist has agreed to take part in the latest installation by Fat Les frontman Damien Hirst entitled ‘Tracey Cayman’. Hirst described it as ‘a sort of conceptual visual protest song higlighting the gross iniquity of the current 50% top rate’.
Two decades after being given a C60 cassette of specially selected songs, Rachel Hannigan, a 38-year-old consultant from Knutsford, finally realised the collection of tortured alternative rock songs given to her by her chemistry lab partner James Barr was not just a compilation of some of his favourite songs that he thought she might like, but was intended as a declaration of love.